Bad night

Tonight I’ve been feeling like shit. Insisting and repeated negative thoughts started to permeate my mind like it didn’t happen in a week or more. My ordinary ways of coping were of little help. But surely little is better than nothing so I sticked to one of my favorite things I like to do while I study: watching porn or, more often, hentai. It wasn’t enough though, and I needed to study so, without much altenatives at hand, I drank a pint of beer.
I know for most people it’s nothing special, but for me it’s not normal, I rarely drink alone, so if I’ve done that it was because I really needed to numb my senses for a while. Not that I like much this feeling of numbness, my ability to concentrate is lower and I feel more lethargic too, but I really didn’t have any other way to stop those disturbing thoughts. What is incredible about those thoughts is that they’re not disturbing in content, they’re pretty normal thoughts, but the feelings they evoke can range from pleasing nostalgia to deep depression. And most of the time they’re feelings I can’t explain…
Don’t really know what the hell is wrong with me, I hope I’ll soon find some clue, I’m thinking there might be some correlation with my sleep quality, and the stress I’ve been subjecting my mind and body in the last months surely isn’t helping.
Anyway, while almost drunk I’ve managed to do some study, although I don’t know if tomorrow I’ll remember something about what I’ve been studying. But surely, if I had let my thoughts free to depress and distract me, I wouldn’t have done any studying. I just hope this is not becoming a habit, I don’ want to become a alcoholic. Being drunk is not that fun, but surely it’s better than being constantly oscillating between anguish and depression…