Therapy: back

Actually I’ve been back since Wednsday, but Thursday I went fishing because I couln’t take it any more, the urge was too strong, as strong as the frustration from not being able to fish in that fantastic lake.

Yesterday I wasn’t in the right mood to write, so we have arrived to today and, as you may have guessed, the vacation has been somewhat disappointing.

Monday’s travel went fine, it was hot as hell on the road, but nothing I couldn’t tolerate (I’m much more sensible to cold temperatures). When arrived to the country inn, we unpocketed our stuff and spent some time in the pool, where I felt uncorfomtable due to the cold water and wind. Then we got ourselves a shower and traveled for about one hour to Montalcino, where we ate a pizza. Then we traveled for another hour or so to a lounge bar (yes, it’s not a typo! I went to a lounge bar! I wish Ozzy shall forgive me…) to drink a beer.
At that damned lounge bar the worst happened: our car broke and its owner, a friend of mine, lost for some minutes his wallet. When we found it, 150$ were missing.

We managed to get back to our inn without that car at around 5:00 am, but obviously the vacation has been ruined.

Thursday we had breakfast at 2:00 pm, then traveled for a couple of hours for swimming in a pool in one of our friend’s uncle villa, and then we got to this friend’s house to cook and eat T-bone steaks. That one was delicious indeed, but probably not worth all that hassle of a vacation.

Again we got back at around 5:00 am and got up at 8:00 am to take a train to get back at home, since our friend’s car was still broken. But as I guessed, while on the train our friends called to say they fixed the car, but obviously he wasn’t in the mood to go fishing.
The travel by train wasn’t bad, but I really coudn’t sleep, even if I badly needed to, so I wasn’t feeling very good.

Finally we came back home at 6:00 pm, and I immediately thrown myself on the couch and got some sleep.

Nothing much more to say about Thursday’s fishing session, it was calm and relaxing, but wasn’t enough to make up for the disappointment of not seeing with my eyes that lake.

This is more or less what I said to my therapist today, so that’s all for now, I got to get back studying.

Vacation

I still question the usefulness of such a kind of post, given there doesn’t seem to be any regular follower of this blog, but just in case I’m wrong…

I’ll be away for around 4 days starting from tomorrow, for a short vacation in Tuscany (Italy). It saddens me a bit to say it’ll be a eating and fishing-oriented vacation, yeah just like the ones of retired persons. But I’m not ashamed of that: eating and fishing are two of few the things I enjoy in life, though I think only new and interesting fishing locations may justify such a long travel. But it’s sad because if we keep spending our time together like some 50 years old fellows, me and my friends aren’t going to get in touch with girls even in a million years.

Not that I feel an intense urge for romantic relationships, but actually getting laid some times wouldn’t be that bad I guess. I know I don’t have the persuasion skills to convince a girl to have sex with me, and lying about my feelings to get laid is something I strongly refuse to do, but in the right situation, and with the help of alcohol, probably there’s some chance I could get near a girl and talk to her without panicking. My friends seem to be even more interested from the romantic side of things, and are surely more skillful than me in social settings, so I don’t understand why the behave like they don’t give a damn. Maybe they’re just too lazy to even try.

By the way, I hope the first days (the eating-oriented ones) run fast and without troubles, so I can concentrate on the fishing. It’s been almost a year since I had my last serious fishing session, and I badly need to fish: it’s an urge I’ve been feeling more and more in the last weeks, but I’ve been suppressing it because I needed to study. I also hope this time we actually land some nice carps, but it’s not a requirement for enjoying some time immersed in a quiet and relaxing environment, and water just has that magnetic feeling to me I can’t stop watching it.

I’m sure fishermen understand what I mean, just look at these fantastic pictures of the lake I’m going to:

That’s all, if I don’t get a food poisoning, drown, or die on the road, I’ll be back for Thursday or Friday.

One hour-long attention span

Nothing relevant happened today, did some more studying, and lost almost a hundred hair, yeah! Like I have so many of them I could sell them to wig makers… It’s so depressing and frustrating, nothing seem to get better in my life, perhaps excluding my university performance, and even if I don’t care for the most part about my life being a complete failure, I have already enough health concerns to think of, I don’t really need other new shit to worry about.

So I started taking some food supplements and applying some kind of lotion in the hope of stopping this sudden hair loss. I might just believe those who say my problems are all psychosomatic, but even if they are what can I do? Doing what I like instead of doing what people expect me to do never helped with my sleep, psoriasis or digestion, so why should it help with hair loss? If it is really situational depression, then the only way I can see to exit this situation is to kill myself, because the situation is the way life works in this fucking society.

But this isn’t what I meant to write tonight, I’m going to analyze in some detail how I live social situations with my friends from a specific point of view: tonight we went out to eat and drink something, and for the first hour or so I was more or less comfortable, the topics of conversation were related to video games or computer science so it was not impossible for me to say something, even if it they were mostly remarks. But then my ability to concentrate started to fade, and I really was having a hard time following the conversations, especially since I wasn’t much interested about the usual WoW-related discussions between my two friends. Unfortunately, my friends sometimes expected me to participate in the conversation and actually understand what they said, so I had to make some serious efforts to follow through their chat.

I don’t know if this drop in my ability to concentrate was somewhat related to the pub getting more crowded, but I don’t think so, I wasn’t much anxious, probably because there were no girls in the near surroundings. What I can say for sure is that one hour is a limit I encounter often while following university lessons, doing psychotherapy or playing guitar, after that hour it looks like I suddenly get bored and need to do something else. Weird, indeed, but the pattern suggests how this ease of boredom is a primary factor that undermines most of my daily activities, and solving that will probably lead me a long way in improving my life. Now if only I could know what’s the cause… I’m not even confident an average psychiatrist will have a clue, and by the way, I fear them. I’m sure they’ll instantly try to medicate me, but I’m not going to take medication until I’ll be fucking sure I really need it, I’m not going to ruin my life even more by becoming addicted to some drug.