Flashback: May 9 to 12, 2008

May 9: The tendency to think about Lucy has faded, but when it happens, I can clearly feel the depression coming, so I’m not going to contact her. But I don’t want to be rude, so I’ll keep behaving normally, should she contact me.

May 10: I’ve begun playing World of Warcraft in a private server, but it’s not the same thing as the original… Still, given my current level of depression, this castrated and low-populated version should be enough for now.

Lucy contacted me in the afternoon, and it wasn’t hard to behave normally, to the point I was able to make jokes and have some honest laughs. But soon after the conversation ended, I seemed to notice a small worsening in my mood so I readily drank some beer at dinner, in one of the rare days my mom drink that instead of wine (practically when we eat pizza). So alcohol could be one of my last-resort aids in coping with my problems until I’ll feel the real need to see a psychiatrist.

Finally, tonight my mind wandered again about those chats I’ve read some days ago (good lord tell me why I’ve done that!), and this still makes me feel depressed. I’ll forget everything soon, I hope, as it has already happened in the past.

May 12: In the morning I was stressed, mainly because I was too obsessed with WoW. In the afternoon I had a lesson to follow so I had to took the train, but Lucy didn’t took that one this time, don’t know if this was a bad or a good thing. Still, during the lesson I got bored and I thought again about her… This is still depressing for me, but it looks like these thoughts are easier to control now.

“I still cannot explain clearly why I was depressed at the time, everytime I think of having a clue, my theories are torn to pieces by seemingly random mood swings. My best guess is based on what seemed to be the trigger: reading my old chats with Lucy. This episode apparently brought up mixed feelings of nostalgia and inferiority, because at the time of those chats our relationship was still fresh and stimulating, and she was single too, so I may have failed in catching any sign of interest from her, if there were any. Now I’m pretty sure how I’ve never been interested in romantic relationships and probably I never will, so I will hardly get depressed again for a girl.”

Bad night

Tonight I’ve been feeling like shit. Insisting and repeated negative thoughts started to permeate my mind like it didn’t happen in a week or more. My ordinary ways of coping were of little help. But surely little is better than nothing so I sticked to one of my favorite things I like to do while I study: watching porn or, more often, hentai. It wasn’t enough though, and I needed to study so, without much altenatives at hand, I drank a pint of beer.
I know for most people it’s nothing special, but for me it’s not normal, I rarely drink alone, so if I’ve done that it was because I really needed to numb my senses for a while. Not that I like much this feeling of numbness, my ability to concentrate is lower and I feel more lethargic too, but I really didn’t have any other way to stop those disturbing thoughts. What is incredible about those thoughts is that they’re not disturbing in content, they’re pretty normal thoughts, but the feelings they evoke can range from pleasing nostalgia to deep depression. And most of the time they’re feelings I can’t explain…
Don’t really know what the hell is wrong with me, I hope I’ll soon find some clue, I’m thinking there might be some correlation with my sleep quality, and the stress I’ve been subjecting my mind and body in the last months surely isn’t helping.
Anyway, while almost drunk I’ve managed to do some study, although I don’t know if tomorrow I’ll remember something about what I’ve been studying. But surely, if I had let my thoughts free to depress and distract me, I wouldn’t have done any studying. I just hope this is not becoming a habit, I don’ want to become a alcoholic. Being drunk is not that fun, but surely it’s better than being constantly oscillating between anguish and depression…