Therapy: back

Actually I’ve been back since Wednsday, but Thursday I went fishing because I couln’t take it any more, the urge was too strong, as strong as the frustration from not being able to fish in that fantastic lake.

Yesterday I wasn’t in the right mood to write, so we have arrived to today and, as you may have guessed, the vacation has been somewhat disappointing.

Monday’s travel went fine, it was hot as hell on the road, but nothing I couldn’t tolerate (I’m much more sensible to cold temperatures). When arrived to the country inn, we unpocketed our stuff and spent some time in the pool, where I felt uncorfomtable due to the cold water and wind. Then we got ourselves a shower and traveled for about one hour to Montalcino, where we ate a pizza. Then we traveled for another hour or so to a lounge bar (yes, it’s not a typo! I went to a lounge bar! I wish Ozzy shall forgive me…) to drink a beer.
At that damned lounge bar the worst happened: our car broke and its owner, a friend of mine, lost for some minutes his wallet. When we found it, 150$ were missing.

We managed to get back to our inn without that car at around 5:00 am, but obviously the vacation has been ruined.

Thursday we had breakfast at 2:00 pm, then traveled for a couple of hours for swimming in a pool in one of our friend’s uncle villa, and then we got to this friend’s house to cook and eat T-bone steaks. That one was delicious indeed, but probably not worth all that hassle of a vacation.

Again we got back at around 5:00 am and got up at 8:00 am to take a train to get back at home, since our friend’s car was still broken. But as I guessed, while on the train our friends called to say they fixed the car, but obviously he wasn’t in the mood to go fishing.
The travel by train wasn’t bad, but I really coudn’t sleep, even if I badly needed to, so I wasn’t feeling very good.

Finally we came back home at 6:00 pm, and I immediately thrown myself on the couch and got some sleep.

Nothing much more to say about Thursday’s fishing session, it was calm and relaxing, but wasn’t enough to make up for the disappointment of not seeing with my eyes that lake.

This is more or less what I said to my therapist today, so that’s all for now, I got to get back studying.

One hour-long attention span

Nothing relevant happened today, did some more studying, and lost almost a hundred hair, yeah! Like I have so many of them I could sell them to wig makers… It’s so depressing and frustrating, nothing seem to get better in my life, perhaps excluding my university performance, and even if I don’t care for the most part about my life being a complete failure, I have already enough health concerns to think of, I don’t really need other new shit to worry about.

So I started taking some food supplements and applying some kind of lotion in the hope of stopping this sudden hair loss. I might just believe those who say my problems are all psychosomatic, but even if they are what can I do? Doing what I like instead of doing what people expect me to do never helped with my sleep, psoriasis or digestion, so why should it help with hair loss? If it is really situational depression, then the only way I can see to exit this situation is to kill myself, because the situation is the way life works in this fucking society.

But this isn’t what I meant to write tonight, I’m going to analyze in some detail how I live social situations with my friends from a specific point of view: tonight we went out to eat and drink something, and for the first hour or so I was more or less comfortable, the topics of conversation were related to video games or computer science so it was not impossible for me to say something, even if it they were mostly remarks. But then my ability to concentrate started to fade, and I really was having a hard time following the conversations, especially since I wasn’t much interested about the usual WoW-related discussions between my two friends. Unfortunately, my friends sometimes expected me to participate in the conversation and actually understand what they said, so I had to make some serious efforts to follow through their chat.

I don’t know if this drop in my ability to concentrate was somewhat related to the pub getting more crowded, but I don’t think so, I wasn’t much anxious, probably because there were no girls in the near surroundings. What I can say for sure is that one hour is a limit I encounter often while following university lessons, doing psychotherapy or playing guitar, after that hour it looks like I suddenly get bored and need to do something else. Weird, indeed, but the pattern suggests how this ease of boredom is a primary factor that undermines most of my daily activities, and solving that will probably lead me a long way in improving my life. Now if only I could know what’s the cause… I’m not even confident an average psychiatrist will have a clue, and by the way, I fear them. I’m sure they’ll instantly try to medicate me, but I’m not going to take medication until I’ll be fucking sure I really need it, I’m not going to ruin my life even more by becoming addicted to some drug.

Bad night

Tonight I’ve been feeling like shit. Insisting and repeated negative thoughts started to permeate my mind like it didn’t happen in a week or more. My ordinary ways of coping were of little help. But surely little is better than nothing so I sticked to one of my favorite things I like to do while I study: watching porn or, more often, hentai. It wasn’t enough though, and I needed to study so, without much altenatives at hand, I drank a pint of beer.
I know for most people it’s nothing special, but for me it’s not normal, I rarely drink alone, so if I’ve done that it was because I really needed to numb my senses for a while. Not that I like much this feeling of numbness, my ability to concentrate is lower and I feel more lethargic too, but I really didn’t have any other way to stop those disturbing thoughts. What is incredible about those thoughts is that they’re not disturbing in content, they’re pretty normal thoughts, but the feelings they evoke can range from pleasing nostalgia to deep depression. And most of the time they’re feelings I can’t explain…
Don’t really know what the hell is wrong with me, I hope I’ll soon find some clue, I’m thinking there might be some correlation with my sleep quality, and the stress I’ve been subjecting my mind and body in the last months surely isn’t helping.
Anyway, while almost drunk I’ve managed to do some study, although I don’t know if tomorrow I’ll remember something about what I’ve been studying. But surely, if I had let my thoughts free to depress and distract me, I wouldn’t have done any studying. I just hope this is not becoming a habit, I don’ want to become a alcoholic. Being drunk is not that fun, but surely it’s better than being constantly oscillating between anguish and depression…